STEFFSPEAKS

I used to believe that being a good person meant always understanding where everyone else was coming from. I prided myself on my empathy. NOBODY is more empathetic than me, I promise. Which is a gift and a curse. I could explain away behavior, give second chances, and convince myself that if I just loved harder, communicated better, or offered enough grace, things would eventually improve.

Unchecked empathy can become an issue though. The problem with empathy is that when it is not balanced with self-respect, it becomes self-abandonment with good intentions.

For years, I overextended myself at my own expense. I carried things that were never mine to carry. I convinced myself that being understanding was somehow the same thing as being responsible. Looking back, I spent a lot of time keeping the peace externally while creating absolute chaos internally, which, if I’m honest, I am still emotionally and physically paying for some days.

Sometimes it happens when love leaves. Sometimes it happens after betrayal, burnout, or simply getting tired. But eventually, your eyes adjust to the removal of the rose colored glasses. You begin noticing patterns instead of promises. You stop confusing guilt with responsibility. You realize some people are not benefiting from your kindness because they appreciate it. They are benefiting because they expect it.

Boundaries sound empowering until you actually have to enforce one.

On the inside, it is a full Broadway production starring only me.

Am I being unreasonable?

I should explain why.

Maybe I am overreacting.

Get a grip, girl.

What if they are upset?

What if they hate me?

Well, I don’t care if they do.

What if they think I’m the villain now?

I mean I always did like Cruella and Maleficent. The outfits slay.

What if they tell everyone I am difficult?

Why do I care if they do?

Meanwhile, the actual text I write simply reads, “No.”

And somehow, when I open my eyes after bracing for impact, I didn’t crash and burn.

Don’t get me wrong, we should absolutely question our hearts and motives before we make decisions, but when you have done deep self-reflection and healing work, there are just certain people and situations that call for an immediate and emphatic “hell nah.” Okay, maybe don’t say that out loud if it’s inappropriate, but definitely keep that as your sentiment.

Part of the journey of life is looking ahead, but a more important part is looking back, only to see how far you have come. There have been moments recently where the old version of me would have cracked. My empathy would have convinced me to smooth things over and sacrifice my own peace to make everyone else comfortable. But somewhere along the way, sympathy for myself became part of the equation. Sympathy for my children. Sympathy for the life and peace I am protecting on their behalf.

What I realize now is that my sensitivity is actually my superpower.

It is the reason I am a good mother. It is the reason I am a thoughtful partner and a loyal friend. It is the reason I can connect with students who feel unseen and why people often find themselves telling me things they have never told anyone else. It is why people come to me for advice, why strangers somehow end up sharing their life stories from the table next to me at a restaurant, and why I have always felt deeply invested in the people I love.

I refuse to lose that part of me.

I just no longer want to use it against myself. So I refine it. I lean toward the gift it is, and realize it’s only a curse if I allow it to be.

I am no longer interested in living afraid. I cannot control other people’s reactions, but I can be prepared. I can trust myself. I can stand firmly in the truth.

So I have a question for you.

How many times have you said yes simply because you were afraid of what might happen if you said no?

And what would change if you trusted yourself enough to disappoint someone else instead of abandoning yourself?